A letter to the fire.

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This time of the year is always hard. Especially when the shadows of you are still lingering at the back of my mind. The first few seconds our eyes met, it felt like watching through a screen in slow motion. One of the moments I will never, ever erased from my memory. Even if by any means, I went into an accident, I pray I will never forget you. Especially the moment we met.

Writing this letter is stupid. I am stupid. I know it. I know you have forgotten about me. Our memories meant nothing. I was just like the wind, caressing your cheek once but never twice. I know you’re contented with your new life. I know I’m the only one crying, the only one wishing I could take back what I’ve said, the only one wishing there was a time machine. I know it all. I know you’re imperfect, I know you said hurtful things, I know my hand is the only one reaching helplessly. 

But for once, allow me to give in to my sorrow. Allow me to wallow. For you are still fresh on my mind. The calm feelings only when I was around you is still residing. The certainty I felt locking with your eyes is still vivid. 

No matter how I tried, I never felt the same thing since you. It has been two years but you can never be replaced. No matter how much I let my feelings to somebody else, at the end of the day they will search for you. Just like the birds going home in the evening. Just like a traveler setting foot in the hometown after years of journey. 

It’s like my brain and heart are fighting against each other. My brain knew I should let you go, at one point I even wrote a song of setting you free, but my heart still aches in the morning when the dream is over. It aches the most when I’m reminded I will never see you ever again. At all. 

Who’s going to calm my heart? Who’s going to tell me it’s okay to let go? Who’s going to give me a proper closure? A certainty I could never find on my own? 

You have always been like a rock to me. I love that about you. But I know it takes days for me to become like you. 

And I want to say perhaps your absence is just you being generous and thoughtful for me to grow stronger, but that was never the case. You left and never came back because there was nothing left to come back to. And it hurts to admit it hurts.

I will forever wonder was there anything special or just my imagination? Did I do something wrong for it to change? Was I not enough even when you once told me to be myself? All these questions will be forever unanswered.

I’m writing this letter because I want to let you know I had a dream about you. It was a simple dream. You were with your friends and I was with mine. We were close but you felt faraway. Almost like God didn’t want us to meet. Or maybe God was preparing an opportunity for me later. It felt like reading a book prior to revealing the plot twist. Frustrated and full of anticipation.

And then we stood at the same place. I could feel your gaze on me but I never looked back. Just like in the past, just like in real life, just like the last time I saw you, I could never look back. 

Then I woke up and everything was over. It made me wonder, if you were still here, what would you say? Where would you stand? Was it still next to me?

When you were still around, I never dreamed of you. Now that you left, last night was the second dream. It caught me off guard because I wasn’t even thinking about you. But now, all I can think about is you. My mind is like trapped in a room with mirrored walls but instead of my reflection, all I see is our memories. 

A year and 2 months ago I wrote I want to see you just one more time, and I still feel the same. I just want to see you and bid you a proper goodbye. One that I could make peace with. My heart has been fighting a raging war and neither side wants to make a truce.

With you gone, I’ve lost my muse. I haven’t been writing any songs I can be proud of. I’ve been on creative block. So, please, if you’re reading this, can we meet?

Goodbye.