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Anxiety Attack ᛁ I know I have been going away for a while and I know for my past entries, I mostly sound okay. But I am nothing but okay and so far from it. 

I never wanted to post anything regarding my feelings because it seems off from my niche and I don’t want to be labeled ‘mengada-ngada’. But the truth is, I have been struggling with anxiety; general and social. Not that I have been clinically diagnosed but the signs are there, in burning red flags. And it doesn’t help when I’m depressed most of the time.

In 2019, I decided to finally seek help from my university student’s clinics. I searched on the ways to sort out a therapist. Once I eavesdropped two law students talking about their experience with their therapists and that was the first time I knew THERE IS help available for students. That was the spark I felt to maybe seek help from a professional to improve my mental health. For a long time I haven’t been in the right state. I hurt my friends, my family and it made me feel like sh*t but I didn’t know what to do.

And so, after finding out how to ask for help, because I was getting worse and worse, I became forgetful and could hardly focus on my task. I overthink too much about my slow pre-clinical progress and cried out of frustration too many times that it affected my studies. 

But when I finally decide, there was lockdown in the whole Malaysia. Even without the lockdown, I don’t think I’m ready enough to meet a doctor. Like I said, I’m struggling with social anxiety, and I am so scared to meet them because some of them are garang and I was once getting judged for something. 

Long story short, up to this day, I still never get a professional help. Maybe out of fear, but at the same time I want to get better. I tried meditation, I tried self-help methods and I thought I was improving because I felt more at peace even though everyday the void you feel when you’re depressed still haunts me everyday, still holds me back from doing anything, but all in all, I felt okay. Even though forcing myself to help out at home when all I want to do is just lay down and be quiet made me want to hurt myself physically, at least I managed to pretend everything was fine. 

Until today, I had my second anxiety attack. The first was before my finals in second year of dental school when I was torn between studying and submitting a manuscript for a competition. 

I bottled up too much to the point my anxiety starts to get out of control. On Friday last week, I was supposed to go get my laptop repaired. My laptop needs a battery changing. But going out put too much pressure on me and I can’t drive so I have to go with my dad. And my relationship with my dad isn’t normal like most people have, so let’s just say I had too much on my mind that going out seems exhausting. Just the thought of it exhausted me.

And so, I canceled. I decided to go the next Saturday, but then Saturday came and my dad told me to go on Sunday. Then, suddenly something came up and both my parents needed to go balik kampung for a business. 

I started to feel anxious because I know something WILL go wrong. Whenever I made a decision, somehow life always shows me how stupid I am and put me in the worst possible situation.

Then, when I finally went to the laptop shop, I had to leave it for a day. I thought, ‘everything should be fine because I’ve done my editing job that needs submission this week’. 

And on the same evening, I got a message from my head bureau saying I need to modify something for the poster I edited and I need to modify it by tonight. My mind started to spiral but somehow I managed to control and distract myself by reading manga. I came up with plans after back up plans in case something happens. That’s one of my coping mechanism, making plans and lists to stop me from spiraling. I need to get a sense of control over my life or else I will start losing my mind.

But the next morning, I suddenly just remembered deleting the Photoshop document of the poster because the file was too large and cause my laptop to lag. At first I was okay. I tried to remain calm because I was with my mom. We were chit chatting like everything was normal when inside I felt like scratching my skin. I need an out, an escape. But from what? And to where?

I started to think of a back up plan just in case I did deleted the document. I assured myself everything is going to be fine. But the more I wait for my dad to come home and pick me up to go retrieve the laptop, the less confident I am with my back up plan. I need to get to the laptop ASAP for a peace of mind. I feel like running just to be quick and to keep the voice in my mind quiet. 

I was cooking with my mom in the kitchen when I started to sweat and I became breathless. My lungs don’t feel large enough to give me enough oxygen. I tried to stop shaking and steady my breath but the more I tried, the more my tears threatened to fall. The two minutes of the attack felt like forever. It’s bizarre because my mom didn’t even notice anything. My sudden silence, my breathlessness, my heart pounding, nothing. I felt trapped and suffocated in the kitchen. My mom’s voice talking to me sounded amplified. Every sound triggered me.

When I was away to get something from the fridge, I was shaking so badly. I wanted to cry so bad. I wanted to get away and stop cooking. I just want to go get the laptop and plug in my hard drive to see the damn document. But I had no control over my life, I never do. 

Thankfully, I managed to finish cooking quick. Then I dashed to my bedroom because I need to be alone to hurt. I need the silence, the peace and I need to stop the pretense. And here I am, typing these sentence after sentence out hoping I could shed some light to parents that maybe your children are struggling something but went unnoticed. 

And if you struggle like me, please call BeFrienders or get professional help. Ask for support from the people around you to support you getting help.